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The 1998 Election (Or, "If I Wasn't Laughing So Hard I'd Be Crying") ©1998 Pete Darling
Well, it's been another exciting and surreal election night here in the Republic of Desire. From North Beach to the Lower Haight, San Franciscans stared up through the haze of their bong smoke and realized that California's leadership is finally Republican-free. Yes, the long nightmare is over, kids. Now maybe those wankers from Orange County will sit down and shut up for a while. The amazing thing is that Dan Lundgren (a Pete Wilson bootlicker from way back) lost the majority vote even among white males. It must've been a particularly nasty shock for an anti-immigrant homophobic misogynist drug-war zealot like himself. Bye, Danny Boy, turn off the lights on your way out. In another nice surprise, that paragon of playground politics, Alfonse D'Amato, has finally begun the long fall from self-righteous demagogue to infomercial host. I can just picture his old Whitewater adversaries Hillary, George Stephanopoulos and (the ever-lovely) Dee Dee Myers getting pissed on Bolly in the White House's JFK room and staggering around the TV chanting "Na na na na... Hey Hey! Good Bye..." Yeah, good bye and good riddance. Now if only we could do something about our old friend Jesse Helms. I know the Grim Reaper has plans for that guy, but he's sure taking his sweet fucking time. Unfortunately, one major headache that didn't go away was the mutant spawn of George "Death from Above" Bush. Jeez, I couldn't even look at that little weasel Jeb, and George Junior is looking more and more like his dad every day. I wonder if he shares his father's "weakness" for Japanese food. Makes me want to bribe the cook in the Texas governor's mansion to serve only Sashimi till George W. looks as bulemic as Ally McBeal. ("...But Governor, I thought it was your favorite!") The best thing though, the real treat which made it OK to watch CNN all night instead of doing something worthwhile (hanging out with my sulking, bored-to-tears girlfriend, for instance), was the Minnesota Governor's race. I mean, where do I start? I noticed even the Washington insiders had a hard time not laughing out loud about the upset, and half of them couldn't resist adding "The Body" to the name Jesse "The Body" Ventura. (And since we're on the subject of insiders, was it brutal seeing Leon Panetta again, or what? I mean, I like the guy, but dude, either his face has shrunk or his nose has gotten really, really BIG...) God I love this country. I just hope "The Body" runs for the White House in 2000 and breaks a folding metal chair over the head of George Bush Junior during the first debate. Mark your scorecards and place your bets now.
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